Dear Priscilla,
Your sister is 3 months old today and that's when I mark things like how much she's grown and what she's learning and doing. It is days like this that make me miss you the most. You see, when you went to be with Jesus before you could even make it outside to meet us, I knew that you were going to a place that would be without pain, without sorrow and that by going there before you were born you would miss out on some awful things-like pimples, heartbreak, bad hair days, traffic jams, hunger, bullies, taxes, sickness, suffering and sin, all things that a Mama never hopes here child would face, but that she just might have in her life. And in this way, I was able to comfort myself when we lost you.
But, when I look at your sister and when I see her little grin and I rock her and think about her future life-a life that I hope includes, days that she feels beautiful, days that she feels smart, a day she knows that Jesus loves her and that she wants a relationship with Him, days when she finds purpose in her life, a day when she finds someone who loves Jesus too and that will love her above all others, a day when she might marry such a person, days that she gets to meet her own children-physical or spiritual, a day when she sees beauty in life....and as her mother, I look forward to hopefully getting to celebrate with her on such days. And, to be honest, it makes my heart hurt that I will not get to do the same with you.
It hurts my heart when I hung Tabitha's baby picture on the wall last night and it was virtually identical to Ransom's newborn picture. Identical. To think that in someways I get to see your face every day in my other babies, and yet I still long for yours! Strange.
But then when I do start to feel sad about all that you are "missing" I hear a little whisper in my heart reminding me that Heaven is not just the absence of bad things, it is also the very FULLNESS of all good things! You my dear are both beautiful and smart every single day, and you also know Jesus in a way that even your Mama doesn't understand, but I do envy! You also are not alone in that love, but are enjoying the great "cloud of witnesses" as the Bible calls them, young and old-but all ageless in heaven. You are living in a world of True Love.
So where does that leave us, your parents... Your sister, who I am sad will miss the joys of having you as an earthly sister, where does it leave us? Well, I've thought about it and I think your absence from our lives has left a hole. A hole that must be filled, with either grief , pain and despair OR hope and faith and conviction. It is my job to fill that hole, and loosing you has made me choose how I'd fill it all over again. It has made me look harder at my take on Reality. Thank you for giving me surer footing on that which I choose to stand. Thank you for giving me legit ties to heaven even now, and thank you for your little life that spent twenty one weeks with your sister and I. One day we will celebrate the life you're living now, together with Jesus. But until then know that I love you,
Your Mommy
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
3 months
Happy three months, baby girl! You celebrated in the best way this Mommy knows how, by giving up your 3am feeding! Yay!! Mama is soooo happy!
You've also switched to mostly 0-3 clothing and moved on to size 1 diapers. Best of all, you're squarely in the double digits weight wise. Hello 10 lbs 4 oz!
All in all you're growing up and still such a sweet girl, though you've recently developed the nasty habit of crying and crying at bedtime... Whether we go earlier or later, you are not a happy camper... But we are on the case, and hopefully we can make you a happy girl again soon.
Much love
Your Mommy
You've also switched to mostly 0-3 clothing and moved on to size 1 diapers. Best of all, you're squarely in the double digits weight wise. Hello 10 lbs 4 oz!
All in all you're growing up and still such a sweet girl, though you've recently developed the nasty habit of crying and crying at bedtime... Whether we go earlier or later, you are not a happy camper... But we are on the case, and hopefully we can make you a happy girl again soon.
Much love
Your Mommy
Sunday, March 31, 2013
2 months ( looking back)
Dear Tabitha,
I am a second child too, and your Daddy is the third, so we definitely know what its like to be the "younger" sibling! And so I totally understand it if, you bring up the fact that I missed your second letter....but believe me when I say, if the current circumstances had happened with Ransom I would have missed a letter then too!
That being said, let me catch you up on the last month of your life! We've moved to Texas! Now you're in your home state and we're so happy to be here! When you were 9 weeks old, your brother and Ms Deb and I took a two day trip from Georgia to Texas, and then a week later you and I took one more day trip to our new home in San Antonio. Can I just stop and say that you were a DREAM BABY!?! You literally slept and sat quietly in your carseat the WHOLE WAY unless you were hungry and then you'd wail a little bit until we stopped to feed you! What a sweetie you are!
On our way to our new home in San Antonio, we stopped in Nacogdoches for a week. You got to see your Spicy and Papa and Nana and Grandpa and Mimi, you got to meet your Uncle Josh for the first time and play with your cousins and Aunt Anna and Uncle Ryan. But my favorite day of the trip was definitely when we went to Bethlehem Mission and we got to show you off to our church family there. You were so surrounded by love and it was so striking to me that these were the people who prayed so hard to keep you in my tummy and for your heart to be healed. You, my dear, are so loved! And many people exclaimed that God must have great things for your future. And indeed He does! But even now, in your present days He is using you to remind others of what He can do! That is a very cool gift to have!
We are now in our new home and your first week here was not your best...you had a bad head cold and you can put any pig to shame with your awesome snorty ways! But, don't worry, its very cute ;-) But now we are settled in and hopefully creating a normal schedule again. For my own reminder here's what a normal day for you looks like:
You wake up around 6am and ask "sweetly" to eat ( scream). I then feed you and lay you back down and you usually sleep a little more until 9am when you eat again. This is when I "officially" get you up for the day. You watch your brother play or eat breakfast or come along with us on some morning adventure, and you usually take a nap around 10 or 10:30. So far you're still happy to take a nap in your car seat if needed, which I know Ransom and Mommy are both happy about! You wake up from your nap around noon and eat again ( as you can see, you're living the 3 hour eat/sleep schedule dream right now). Then you're up for another hour and usually go down for a nap again around 1:30. You are usually pretty good about going down for a nap, but you usually cry a little before each nap time. But never longer than 30 minutes ( but believe me, 30 minutes seems like a looooong time when someones screaming). But once you're good and swaddled and have your paci , have had your cry-you go right to sleep. The schedule continues on at 3pm and 6pm eating times, and then you go to bed around 8pm. You often have a rough time going to sleep at night and we start the sleep process around 7:00 but you usually take a good hour to get nice and settled-you'll sleep on and off between crying from 7-8.
I will then get you up at 10pm for a "dream feed" and more settled into the night. After that feeding you go right back to sleep until 3am when you wake up and eat again. I'm hoping beyond hoping that you'll drop this feeding soon. Mama wants to sleep through the night again one day...but I'm not pushing you! You're still my tiny little thing and I figure you need as many meals as you can get!
I hope that now that we are more settled into our new home I will do better about sharing about your days. You have a wonderful little smile that lights up your whole face. You like to follow your brother around the room with your eyes-he is definitely the most interesting thing going on around here! And he is very sweet to you and loves giving you kisses and asking you if its ok if he plays with your bear. He also likes to lay on blankets with you and pretend that you're riding a boat or a trolley or a plane or whatever other kind of motor vehicle he feels like "riding" with you. I know the two of you are going to have great fun together!
Love you with all our hearts,
Mommy
I am a second child too, and your Daddy is the third, so we definitely know what its like to be the "younger" sibling! And so I totally understand it if, you bring up the fact that I missed your second letter....but believe me when I say, if the current circumstances had happened with Ransom I would have missed a letter then too!
That being said, let me catch you up on the last month of your life! We've moved to Texas! Now you're in your home state and we're so happy to be here! When you were 9 weeks old, your brother and Ms Deb and I took a two day trip from Georgia to Texas, and then a week later you and I took one more day trip to our new home in San Antonio. Can I just stop and say that you were a DREAM BABY!?! You literally slept and sat quietly in your carseat the WHOLE WAY unless you were hungry and then you'd wail a little bit until we stopped to feed you! What a sweetie you are!
On our way to our new home in San Antonio, we stopped in Nacogdoches for a week. You got to see your Spicy and Papa and Nana and Grandpa and Mimi, you got to meet your Uncle Josh for the first time and play with your cousins and Aunt Anna and Uncle Ryan. But my favorite day of the trip was definitely when we went to Bethlehem Mission and we got to show you off to our church family there. You were so surrounded by love and it was so striking to me that these were the people who prayed so hard to keep you in my tummy and for your heart to be healed. You, my dear, are so loved! And many people exclaimed that God must have great things for your future. And indeed He does! But even now, in your present days He is using you to remind others of what He can do! That is a very cool gift to have!
We are now in our new home and your first week here was not your best...you had a bad head cold and you can put any pig to shame with your awesome snorty ways! But, don't worry, its very cute ;-) But now we are settled in and hopefully creating a normal schedule again. For my own reminder here's what a normal day for you looks like:
You wake up around 6am and ask "sweetly" to eat ( scream). I then feed you and lay you back down and you usually sleep a little more until 9am when you eat again. This is when I "officially" get you up for the day. You watch your brother play or eat breakfast or come along with us on some morning adventure, and you usually take a nap around 10 or 10:30. So far you're still happy to take a nap in your car seat if needed, which I know Ransom and Mommy are both happy about! You wake up from your nap around noon and eat again ( as you can see, you're living the 3 hour eat/sleep schedule dream right now). Then you're up for another hour and usually go down for a nap again around 1:30. You are usually pretty good about going down for a nap, but you usually cry a little before each nap time. But never longer than 30 minutes ( but believe me, 30 minutes seems like a looooong time when someones screaming). But once you're good and swaddled and have your paci , have had your cry-you go right to sleep. The schedule continues on at 3pm and 6pm eating times, and then you go to bed around 8pm. You often have a rough time going to sleep at night and we start the sleep process around 7:00 but you usually take a good hour to get nice and settled-you'll sleep on and off between crying from 7-8.
I will then get you up at 10pm for a "dream feed" and more settled into the night. After that feeding you go right back to sleep until 3am when you wake up and eat again. I'm hoping beyond hoping that you'll drop this feeding soon. Mama wants to sleep through the night again one day...but I'm not pushing you! You're still my tiny little thing and I figure you need as many meals as you can get!
I hope that now that we are more settled into our new home I will do better about sharing about your days. You have a wonderful little smile that lights up your whole face. You like to follow your brother around the room with your eyes-he is definitely the most interesting thing going on around here! And he is very sweet to you and loves giving you kisses and asking you if its ok if he plays with your bear. He also likes to lay on blankets with you and pretend that you're riding a boat or a trolley or a plane or whatever other kind of motor vehicle he feels like "riding" with you. I know the two of you are going to have great fun together!
Love you with all our hearts,
Mommy
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
one month
Dear Tabitha,
You are one month old today. This is MIND BLOWING because when I think of all the things that we've fit into the past month its hard to believe its just been four weeks.
Sure, I've shared your birth story but I havent shared that just three days after you were born you went into the clinic at Texas Children's Hospital and we were told you were jaundice and that meant that you'd need to be admitted BACK into the hospital, into the NICU and go under the big blue lights....Now, many people when I announced this news on facebook, told me that this was NO BIG DEAL and that babies get treated for jaundice all the time ( and for the record, they are right). But I was a bundle of nerves and emotions and for the first time since you were born ( with Ransom it was more like the first 12 hours so I was getting better!) I totally lost it. I cried and cried in a little waiting room while your Daddy went to get me pain meds because lets just say that sitting on a really hard chair for 8 hours is NOT good for a Mommy's recovery. And then when we arrived in the NICU and were given our own special little room ( this was a super blessing from the Lord, everyone else was in one big room together!) and your Daddy told me to go back to the Ronald McDonald House to rest, I told him he'd have to physically RIP me from that room before I'd leave, and I MEANT IT. You couldnt get me to leave you if armageddon was literally happening all around....You and me, baby girl, we're connected.
So, we spent a long 24 hours in the hospital, you tanning and me pumping ( you would eat faster from a bottle and therefore spend less time outside of your lights...). But, when we left we left in good health, and I was once again reminded just how LUCKY we were with you. In fact, I think that has been the theme for me this month...You are healthy little girl and that's a blessing.
Yes, it seems that God has spent all month reminding me about your good health...by giving me bad health. Ive spent more time in the hospital and the ER this month than I have since....well, October when I actually lived there. And every time another illness or bat sent me to the hospital I was reminded that it wasn't you. That YOU were a perfect little baby.
Yes, this month you've had some nipple confusion ( due to those lovely bottles in the NICU) and therefore you got cut off of the paci and bottle cold turkey for a while. This month you've mostly slept during the day , but these last few days you've spent more time awake during the day ( crying) and it looks like we'll have to start putting you on more of a schedule soon to help you take better naps, because when you ARE awake you aren't very happy and only like to be held. This isnt cool when your brother and a house that's about to be moved to a different state are calling my name, but mostly you're the kind of baby that I'd like to just hold all day.
The other wonderful thing about this month is that you've gotten to meet a lot of the people that prayed for you while you were in my tummy. I got to watch person after person hold you and fawn over you and experience their own little miracle. Because that's what you are, you aren't just our miracle, you are the miracle of many....and just as the Bible says about your name sake, we hope that because of your Life many will come to believe in Jesus Christ.
As of today you weight 6 lbs 10 oz...which is awesome! You've gained over a pound in your first month of life! Good work baby girl!
We love you,
Mommy
You are one month old today. This is MIND BLOWING because when I think of all the things that we've fit into the past month its hard to believe its just been four weeks.
Sure, I've shared your birth story but I havent shared that just three days after you were born you went into the clinic at Texas Children's Hospital and we were told you were jaundice and that meant that you'd need to be admitted BACK into the hospital, into the NICU and go under the big blue lights....Now, many people when I announced this news on facebook, told me that this was NO BIG DEAL and that babies get treated for jaundice all the time ( and for the record, they are right). But I was a bundle of nerves and emotions and for the first time since you were born ( with Ransom it was more like the first 12 hours so I was getting better!) I totally lost it. I cried and cried in a little waiting room while your Daddy went to get me pain meds because lets just say that sitting on a really hard chair for 8 hours is NOT good for a Mommy's recovery. And then when we arrived in the NICU and were given our own special little room ( this was a super blessing from the Lord, everyone else was in one big room together!) and your Daddy told me to go back to the Ronald McDonald House to rest, I told him he'd have to physically RIP me from that room before I'd leave, and I MEANT IT. You couldnt get me to leave you if armageddon was literally happening all around....You and me, baby girl, we're connected.
So, we spent a long 24 hours in the hospital, you tanning and me pumping ( you would eat faster from a bottle and therefore spend less time outside of your lights...). But, when we left we left in good health, and I was once again reminded just how LUCKY we were with you. In fact, I think that has been the theme for me this month...You are healthy little girl and that's a blessing.
Yes, it seems that God has spent all month reminding me about your good health...by giving me bad health. Ive spent more time in the hospital and the ER this month than I have since....well, October when I actually lived there. And every time another illness or bat sent me to the hospital I was reminded that it wasn't you. That YOU were a perfect little baby.
Yes, this month you've had some nipple confusion ( due to those lovely bottles in the NICU) and therefore you got cut off of the paci and bottle cold turkey for a while. This month you've mostly slept during the day , but these last few days you've spent more time awake during the day ( crying) and it looks like we'll have to start putting you on more of a schedule soon to help you take better naps, because when you ARE awake you aren't very happy and only like to be held. This isnt cool when your brother and a house that's about to be moved to a different state are calling my name, but mostly you're the kind of baby that I'd like to just hold all day.
The other wonderful thing about this month is that you've gotten to meet a lot of the people that prayed for you while you were in my tummy. I got to watch person after person hold you and fawn over you and experience their own little miracle. Because that's what you are, you aren't just our miracle, you are the miracle of many....and just as the Bible says about your name sake, we hope that because of your Life many will come to believe in Jesus Christ.
As of today you weight 6 lbs 10 oz...which is awesome! You've gained over a pound in your first month of life! Good work baby girl!
We love you,
Mommy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)