Dear Priscilla,

Dear Priscilla,

Your sister is 3 months old today and that's when I mark things like how much she's grown and what she's learning and doing. It is days like this that make me miss you the most. You see, when you went to be with Jesus before you could even make it outside to meet us, I knew that you were going to a place that would be without pain, without sorrow and that by going there before you were born you would miss out on some awful things-like pimples, heartbreak, bad hair days, traffic jams, hunger, bullies, taxes, sickness, suffering and sin, all things that a Mama never hopes here child would face, but that she just might have in her life. And in this way, I was able to comfort myself when we lost you.

But, when I look at your sister and when I see her little grin and I rock her and think about her future life-a life that I hope includes, days that she feels beautiful, days that she feels smart, a day she knows that Jesus loves her and that she wants a relationship with Him, days when she finds purpose in her life, a day when she finds someone who loves Jesus too and that will love her above all others, a day when she might marry such a person, days that she gets to meet her own children-physical or spiritual, a day when she sees beauty in life....and as her mother, I look forward to hopefully getting to celebrate with her on such days. And, to be honest, it makes my heart hurt that I will not get to do the same with you.

It hurts my heart when I hung Tabitha's baby picture on the wall last night and it was virtually identical to Ransom's newborn picture. Identical. To think that in someways I get to see your face every day in my other babies, and yet I still long for yours! Strange.
But then when I do start to feel sad about all that you are "missing" I hear a little whisper in my heart reminding me that Heaven is not just the absence of bad things, it is also the very FULLNESS of all good things! You my dear are both beautiful and smart every single day, and you also know Jesus in a way that even your Mama doesn't understand, but I do envy! You also are not alone in that love, but are enjoying the great "cloud of witnesses" as the Bible calls them, young and old-but all ageless in heaven. You are living in a world of True Love.

So where does that leave us, your parents... Your sister, who I am sad will miss the joys of having you as an earthly sister, where does it leave us? Well, I've thought about it and I think your absence from our lives has left a hole. A hole that must be filled, with either grief , pain and despair OR hope and faith and conviction. It is my job to fill that hole, and loosing you has made me choose how I'd fill it all over again. It has made me look harder at my take on Reality. Thank you for giving me surer footing on that which I choose to stand. Thank you for giving me legit ties to heaven even now, and thank you for your little life that spent twenty one weeks with your sister and I. One day we will celebrate the life you're living now, together with Jesus. But until then know that I love you,

Your Mommy